Growing up life was not easy, I was an anxious kid, I just didn’t know I was anxious and mistook it for a bad personality. It felt like I was monitored, criticized, and disliked all the time. I lived outside my body watching over my shoulders and in the dark corners of my mind expecting failures and predicting misfortune. Surprisingly I also developed an individual mindset, I questioned cultural norms and social conditioning. Adults including my parents summed up my character through words like stubborn, disobedient, and temperamental. I could not wait to be a grownup and make my own choices without constant criticism.
This is not to say my adulthood was a cakewalk. My childhood unpleasantness and trauma creeped into my teenage and adulthood, it made it difficult for me to find friends. I am grateful that I was able to make meaningful relationship despite my so-called shortcomings. Even as an adult I had trouble regulating my emotions. When I found Yoga, I was in a very sad place. I was deeply dissatisfied with the way my life turned out, especially after a dreadful childhood. I woke up to the realization that I am a failure. Yet there was a part of me that was not ready to give up, it was always trying to find a way out. I was living with different parts of me each pulling me in different directions, I could not understand which part of me was truly me.
I recognized that I was suffering from anxiety induced by childhood memories and experiences. As years passed with practice, I am able to handle my emotions better than I ever have. I know I can get even better. I can heal even the deepest of my wounds if I stick with my practice and remind myself that it is never a straight upward trajectory when it comes to healing. Anxiety is complicated, it creeps up on you when you least expect it. Meditation helps me to catch those moments, at times even if a little late it gives me the opportunity to make amends quickly and change course from my reflexive reactions.
Recently I’ve had few epiphanies, discovering my mantra was part of it. It did not come magically instead took a lot of work. For years I worked on myself through my yoga practice, I got help through therapy, and educated myself on human psychology and there was lot of time spent on self reflection and self inquiry. I am by no means suggesting you will find your mantra this way nor am I insinuating you should strive to find your mantra. I am simply sharing my experience.
My mantra started as “I am safe” and evolved to ” I am safe, you are safe”. “I am safe” meaning my adult self is safe. “You are safe” meaning my child self is safe. I declared this to be my root mantra. By repeating the mantra, I am able to orient myself and stay focused on what is important. I am able to quiet my mind’s chatter regardless of the internal or external stimuli. I am grateful for this realization, and I know that there is much more to discover about myself.