Several incidents from my childhood are in my head without a beginning or an end. I only remember the middle. I probably felt sad and cried towards the end of the incident. There were a lot of repressed feelings. I shoved my feelings deep down; that was the instruction I received from my father.
Yesterday, I heard words from an acquaintance that made me uncomfortable and even angry; I was offended. I have known this person for several months. I was caught off-guard by the words they used to communicate what they believed to be a piece of advice with good intentions. I translated their ask as a suggestion to be more friendly and approachable. To confirm my understanding, I looked it up in the dictionary and was close in terms of the personality it defined; other contexts, like appearance, sounded even more offensive. I decided not to read between the lines and only stick to the context of personality.
Since then, I have consciously tried to evaluate my feelings and thoughts whenever my mind brought this incident to the forefront, which was for most of the day. So, you can see how difficult a day it must have been. I was close to calling a friend to discuss this experience and understand their perspective. I didn’t pursue it in the interest of giving myself some time to let the negative emotions subside.
This morning, when I woke, I heard those words in my head. I meditated on yesterday’s conversation, evaluating what led them to say such things. I was vulnerable, constantly letting the person know my fears and feelings. Did that make them think I was not comfortable in my skin, or was this person unable to read my friendliness because they were not aware of my cultural upbringing and the ways I express friendliness did not fit the American way, or was this person taken over by their unconsciousness that they let it slip or was it just a genuine mistake that they would apologize if I bring it up to them. I could come up with another half dozen reasons, but I needed more to convince me or make me unhear the words.
Back to my childhood memory, there was a shadow of an incident from my past that hovered over yesterday’s incident, and I was unconsciously trying to put that aside. Today, I decided to face it head-on. I remember my father being upset with me over a passport photograph; I don’t recall my father’s mood at that moment. When I showed him the photo, he became agitated. He yelled, “You are arrogant and proud, which shows in the picture.”
Something happened at that moment, the arrogant and proud image stuck with me. I believed it so much that I started hearing people say this to me often. The only people who don’t see me in this light are the ones very close to me. They understand me inside out, and they are few in numbers, because it takes time to build relationships. It takes effort from both sides. I value these relationships very much and am grateful for the deep connection we have made. We don’t seek each other for distraction or an advantage but because we lift each other up.
As I write this, I am gaining clarity on the simple fact that how people see me is not entirely up to me. I give myself the compassion and grace to lift this burden from weighing me down. If relationships are meant to be, they will be, despite all odds. I also believe in hard work and good intentions. I may never know what my father or my acquaintance saw in me. What is important is what I see in me; I see a critical thinker with a curious mind unafraid to question the status quo, a person working hard to become a better version of themselves, a consciousness in awakening, and I am embracing that person.